As it happened, this wasn't the best idea. Why's that? Because I didn't realize just how sick I was. I'm one of those people who happily go through life without much in the way of illness - and so when I do get sick, it tends to hit me like a ton of bricks. Not necessarily in terms of physical distress (at least, not immediately), but certainly in terms of my emotional well-being. After walking without a break for over four hours, I just had to stop. I could feel a cold weariness setting in. More than that, I found my thoughts turning on dark, bleak subjects; whether I was deluded into thinking I could surmount my ongoing situation... whether I had exchanged twenty years of hard work and dedication to my craft in order to simply become a figure worthy of derision, a laughable caricature of my former self. The more I examined myself through this fevered, harshly self-critical eye, the more I found myself wanting.
I realized then that I was very, very tired. Not just bone-tired - I've logged so very many miles since starting this campaign that I've become quite used to being physically active - but rather, sick and tired. Sick enough and tired enough to know it was time to go home.
A certain line from Max Ehrmann's Desiderata came to mind as I strode quietly back to my co-op:
"...do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."
Even bearing this in mind, my mind could not help but continue playing through all the ghosts and phantasms of self-doubt, treading heavily down a myriad of gloomy paths to presumptive failure. I caught myself choking back despair more than once, wanting nothing more than to remove myself from the eyes of the public and find some measure of solace at home, in private. After all, I am my own sole brand ambassador; it would not do to be seen in a state of emotional distress while out canvassing. Of course, along the way I ran into any number of people eager to scan the code or to snap a photo, and for those brief moments I found the wherewithal to present the best public persona I could manage in spite of how I felt inside.
Once inside my home, I could feel my resolve crumble as I stripped out of my suit-jacket and sandwich board. The time had come to take some medicine, drink plenty of fluids, and get some much-needed rest. The rest was short-lived, however, as I learned that an old colleague of mine (Craig Shouldice, who had approached me earlier in the week with the prospect of assisting him with the creation of a photomontage for one of his clients) let me know he was ready to begin work. He'd forwarded me the necessary media to get the project started, and so I decided I'd stay home and work on it the next day, with an eye to completing the first draft by the end of the weekend.
It went rather well on the Friday, I was pleased with the work I'd done up 'til that point... but I still wasn't feeling rested, so I decided to reboot my system and perhaps watch some streaming video or play some video games. And that, faithful readers, is when I came face-to-face with the blue screen of death. While I might have a long past experience of working with computers, I am not the person to come to with tales of woe concerning Operating Systems, maintenance issues, or hardware problems. I am and have been loathe to blindly update my system as somehow it will invariably have negative repercussions (I suspect I might just be one of those people who can, say - cause wristwatches to stop working simply by wearing one). Oddly enough, under normal circumstances something like this would have been sufficient to send my anxiety levels skyrocketing, but I found myself feeling surprisingly tranquil. There was nothing constructive I could think to do about it at that moment, but I did know a friendly neighbour who is quite skilled at troubleshooting computers, so I arranged to have him drop by noon Saturday to see if he could lend a hand.
In some ways, this was probably the best thing that could have happened. I think I needed not just to spend some time getting over my cold, but also away from my computer. I've spent a great deal of my time on my computer - whether working, blogging, submitting job applications or writing my web-comic - and there is such a thing as spending too much time on it, after all. Well, the trouble was (for my neighbour) relatively easy to solve, but as I'd made some good headway with the project on the Friday, I decided to give myself 'til Monday to fully recuperate. I was already ahead of the curve by three or four days, and my health has to take some precedence somewhere along the line - I couldn't very well go hitting the streets feeling half-dead!
My one regret is that I did not find the time and energy for working on the seventh installment of "The Adventures of That QR Code Guy". The story exists, I just will need to find some time to set to the task of bringing it to life. Funny thing is about this blog, it's the web-comic that sees the greatest number of pageviews... and I think that's great. Some people have criticized the strip for - well it's hard to say, I guess to some people's minds, it's not what they think a web-comic is supposed to be - but it suits my purposes just fine the way it is. I've enjoyed satirizing my own experiences, seeing the humour of certain situations, and perhaps more than anything just having the chance to entertain people and maybe bring a smile to their faces.
Max Ehrmann was right - many fears are indeed born of fatigue and loneliness. Here is the full text of his 1927 poem:
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Happiness is what I strive for, what I've always striven for. And as Ehrmann said - with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. For Stalking the Job, this is John Currie. See you around - !
I hope you are feeling better by now John and that your positive spirit has come back along with your health... no pressure, but I am looking forward to your next webcomic :)
ReplyDeleteLisa